Dear Santa
by Kanzeon
Summary: Sort of festive fic. Fic Status: Finished (in a rather short time) Two parts plus the optional morning after segment. Read at your own risk.
1. Letters to Santa

Dear Santa

By Eline 

Notes: Had weird conversation with Incandescens about Dear Santa letters and this was the result . . .

Watch out for yaoi, shounen ai and the usual spoilers . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

__

Dear Santa/The Powers That Be/God/my own benighted conscience,

I have not been a good boy in the past but I am endeavouring to do so. I may have killed a thousand youkai plus and counting, slept with my own sister and I am currently habouring less-than-innocent thoughts about my room mate, but I am trying very hard to make up for it. Except for the last two, of course--I do not regret having loved once or twice rather than not at all. 

My list, if you please, is as follows: 

- I wish that Sanzo would think before he shoots

- A new paint-job for Jiipu 

- Enough time to whip up a ten course meal on the road so that we could have a small celebration 

- Getting to the west and finishing this mission before Sanzo really kills anyone of us 

- And for Gojyo to get drunk at Christmas (not drunk enough to inhibit his libido, please) 

Sincerely, 

Hakkai 

* * * * * * * * * *

__

Dear Santa,

Where I came from, people were usually too busy trying to put food on the table to care about religion, religious holidays or guys coming down the chimney to distribute gifts. (We didn't have a chimney and you would have had your fat ass, pardon my French, kicked halfway into next week if you ever tried getting into any houses in my neighbourhood late at night. Actually, I think the stinking monk would do the same right now . . .)

I have not been a good boy by most standards, but it can't hurt to try . . . 

My short list (because I'm an easy-going kind of guy): 

- I wish that Jien or whatever he wants to call himself now would drop by for a beer more often because it's damn hard to have a beer together while fighting.

- New shakujou because the last one got broken (again).

- Premium selection of beer-flavoured condoms. 

- Getting to the west before Sanzo really shoots one of us. 

- And for Hakkai to get drunk for once (I can handle the rest from there--really, I'm a big boy now). 

Hopefully, 

Gojyo

* * * * * * * * * *

__

Dear Santa,

Sanzo said you're most probably a fat old paedophile who likes to visit little children late at night while Hakkai says that the picture of you on shopping bags is more likely to be a symbol of an over-commercialised festive holiday created by greedy capitalist mega-corporations and not a true reflection of the original legend. Whatever that means. But I heard you were originally supposed to help poor people and kids, so that makes you okay.

What I really want:

- For Gojyo and Hakkai to stop tiptoeing around each other because it's getting harder to keep acting stupid around them. Jipu can sleep in my room if they actually start anything.

- The guts to yell at Sanzo when he's being a baka_. Not that he'd actually *listen*, but it can't hurt to try . . ._

- I wish we would get to the west before Sanzo goes crazy.

- And that we don't meet any more poor sad people who don't really want to kill us but were forced to along the way.

- I would wish for my memory back, but something tells me that may not be a Good Thing.

Sincerely,

Goku

(I have no idea what I am.)

* * * * * * * * * *

__

Dear Santa,

I'm not supposed to believe in fat men bearing gifts, coming from a whole different set of mythological legends altogether, but I suppose anything helps.

I have been a good boy, mainly because I spent most of my childhood in a cage and couldn't do anything bad even if I tried. I intend to rectify this as much as possible while I still have life left in my soon-to-be dead-and-rotting semi-immortal flesh.

Please find my list attached.

1) Having my dry-cleaning done on time because the cape is an essential part of my image.

2) Oil for when the chains get rusty.

3) A lot of chains, a new set of D rings and a lot leather strappy-things from the catalogue I've attached.

4) A copy of "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley.

5) My own Brave New World. 

6) Vengeance.

7) Immortality. (It can't hurt to ask . . .)

8) Genjo Sanzo or any one of his incarnations. On second thought, just Genjo Sanzo would do.

Homura

Toushin Taishi gone AWOL

* * * * * * * * * *

__

Dear Santa--or most likely a fat old paedophile who visits little children late at night,

If you dare show up in my room on Christmas night, I swear I'll shoot you the minute I hear the first "ho ho ho".

My list of demands (though I doubt you could grant any of them, being a fat old paedophile who visits little children late at night):

- An extension on the credit limit of my credit card--the monkey alone eats like an army. (I should be asking the Three Talking Heads for this, but it can't hurt to try here.)

- More leather gear and robes. My clothes keep getting torn, worn out or ruined for some reason.

- No more bloody tentacles/snakes/gropy things.

- Keep Homura far, far away from me.

- Keep the damn fanfic authors who like writing me in those kind of fics far, far away from me.

- If you can't stop those little pests, at least have them write some fic where I'm not the uke, dammit.

- An end to this damn mission--I'm at the end of my non-existent store of patience. (I should have asked the old bitch who sent us on this mission to teleport us there instead.)

- This is obviously impossible, but keep the damn weird girls with colour-changing eyes and rainbow hair away from me.

- If Gojyo and Hakkai don't stop building up the UST, I swear I'm going to shoot them.

This is a waste of my time.

Genjo Sanzo

31st holder of the title, Keeper of the Holy Land and the Infernal Land Sutras and Heavenly Emissary

* * * * * * * * * *

(The next note contained an unknown language that Santa's translator elf soon determined--via Altavista Babelfish--was Dragon. The text had to translated into spoken Dragon, then translated from there.)

__

Kyu kyuuuu kyuu,

Kyuu pyuuu kyukyukyu, kyuuuuu gyukyu. Kyukyugyu pyuuuuuu--

*This letter has been edited for length.*

__

Dear Santa's Reindeer (to be read as a greeting between fellow beasts of burden),

It must be hard on you (pronoun used in communication between equals), having to drag a fat man (tone implying "stupid bipedal monkey") around in a sled every year. But it is no mean feat to fly around the world in one night.

My list:

- Please tell me how to get around the world in one night so that we can get to the west and finish this stupid mission--my tyres and suspension are definitely the worse for wear. 

- A new paint job.

- For the monk (infliction and tone implying sarcasm) not to fire that gun of his while we're travelling or else I'll drop them into another river again.

- For either Hakkai (identifier connoting familiarity or friendship) or the stupid kappa to initiate mating so that all the damn sexual tension will be diffused.*

- More people giving me the attention and the neck-rubs I deserve for hauling them all over the place, dammit (approximate expletive along the lines of "shell-crack").

Jipu,

Magical dragon cum jeep.

*Translator's Notes: Liberties were taken with the interpretation as "to stop the excessive production of pheromones that screws with my head" does not fit well in the context. It should be noted that there was another line that could not be translated after this point. It had references to "large amounts of alcohol", "whipped cream", "an apron" and something about "just as long as they keep the noise down so that I can sleep". Many terms used were probably in Dragon slang and therefore difficult to translate.

* * * * * * * * * *


	2. And then it happened on X'mas Eve

Dear Santa

By Eline 

Notes: Had weird conversation with Incandescens about Dear Santa letters and this was the result . . .

Watch out for yaoi, shounen ai and the usual stuff . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

At the Toushin Taishi's Annual Revolutionaries Function, things were getting well under way.

"So, what did you get him?" Zenon asked.

Shien held up two books. 

"_Brave New World_ and a copy of _Chicken Soup for the Toushin Taishi's Soul_? I brought copious amounts of alcohol," he said, proffering an armload of wine jars. "Since he's not here at the moment, why don't we get started?"

"I don't drink," Shien said.

"Oh come on . . . why don't you cut loose once in a while?"

* * * * * * * * * *

Elsewhere, Homura smiled to himself. Shien and Zenon would be most surprised when they found out that he had booked them on a one-week vacation cruise as a year-end bonus. They deserved it for all their hard work.

He only wished that he could be there to see the look on their faces when they discovered that there was only one cabin . . . 

* * * * * * * * * *

"More wine, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked, offering him the bottle.

"Sure! Why not? Cheers!" Gojyo said, trying to watch the level in Hakkai's glass without seeming to.

"Mmmm--it's delicious, Hakkai!" Goku looked like he could have waxed lyrical over the food if his mouth had not been stuffed full.

Sanzo rolled his eyes in exasperation and drank his beer.

* * * * * * * * * *

Homura sighed. No one had thought of getting him Genjo Sanzo this year . . . Maybe he should go and indulge in a little spying-on-the-Sanzo-ikkou . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

"Wow, that pudding was great! I'm finally full . . ." Goku burped and looked around in bewilderment. "Ne, Sanzo? Where are Gojyo and Hakkai?"

Sanzo snorted and pointed to the corner where Gojyo and Hakkai were leaning against each other and snoring gently. "Stone drunk. Idiots, the lot of you . . ." 

"Hey, Sanzo--what's that thing up there?"

The priest glanced up and said without thinking, "That's mistletoe--"

* * * * * * * * * *

Homura appeared on the roof of the inn where the Sanzo-ikkou were staying. Unfortunately, he had popped up in front of the lead reindeer in a long string of flying reindeer and the poor beast was so startled that it braked and reared back. The ensuing panic and confusion caused an otherwise smooth landing to become a messy chain of moaning reindeer dangling halfway off the roof.

The reindeer looked so pathetic that Homura cut them free of the bell-spangled harness. Which resulted in a sudden *snap*, a cut-off scream and a very loud crash.

Homura and the group of emancipated reindeer peered over the edge of the roof. There was a smashed-up sleigh on the ground four storeys below. A rotund figure in red was rolling around in the wreckage.

"Er, I'm sorry, but are these your reindeer?" he called down.

Then he heard footsteps. Very angry footsteps coming up from the stairs leading up to the roof.

Sanzo was enraged. Well, mostly enraged and a little confused. Goku had dared to-- That damn monkey had dared to k--

Well the stupid monkey was now nursing a headache courtesy of Mr. Fan. But then he had heard the damn sleigh bells. As he was in a generous mood that night, he stormed off to the roof to give the fat paedophile a piece of his mind, all the while denying that he was blushing.

"Damn silly holiday," he muttered as he emerged out on the roof. "I said that if I even heard a single--"

A lot of antlers and liquid brown eyes turned to look at him. And in their midst was one particularly intense mismatched gaze.

"*Konzen* . . ."

"Shit."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Kyuuuu!" (Why don't you come in for some eggnog?)

*snort* *whuffle* (Don't mind if we do. Dragging that sleigh around is bloody hard work.)

*wheeze* (Oi Rudolph--what about the Fat Man?)

*huff* *snort* *snort* (Oh leave him, we deserve a break.)

* * * * * * * * * *


	3. The optional morning after segment

Dear Santa

By Eline 

Notes: I've been very, very bad . . . I couldn't help it, really. I never intended to have a third part but it just sprang up from nowhere . . .

Watch out for yaoi, shounen ai and the usual stuff . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

Sunlight streamed through an open window . . . onto a very mussed up bed and its two occupants. The light eventually woke one of the sleepers.

"Ugh . . ." Zenon felt as though someone had sand-papered his tongue and stuck it to the roof of his mouth with glue. It was probably that wine. Damn, but it packed a punch . . . he had to remember to cadge more of that stuff from Old Liang again . . .

When he sat up, he accidentally jostled the figure next to him. Which he had not been aware of, but soon would be as the other person was waking up.

The other kami sat up slowly. "Zenon . . . good morning--I think," Shien muttered.

"You okay?"

Shien rubbed at his temples. "I feel a distinct sensation of pain in my head. As though something heavy had ran over it. And my eyeballs feel like they have been washed and pickled in brine."

"Commonly known as a hangover." Zenon hunted around for his cigarettes. They were both trying to avoid each other's eyes. But it was inevitable . . . 

Zenon picked his pants, fished around in his pockets, lit up and took a few long drags to compose himself. Then he was ready to face the question of why he was in a very messy bed, naked, with an equally naked Shien.

"Nothing happened . . . right?" he asked tentatively.

"Right . . ." Shien replied in a carefully neutral tone.

"That's all right then," Zenon said, relieved. "It's not like men don't see other men naked all the time. Men go naked in Greek baths for example. And hot springs--" 

"Zenon."

"What?"

"You're babbling."

And they got dressed with the speed of people who were not going to discuss it any further. No way. Not now. Not ever. Really.

"It didn't happen," he said at the same time Shien did.

"Good," they said before walking out the door and into a scene of chaos. 

In the aftermath of the party, various youkai-turned-kami and renegade Heavenly revolutionaries staggered about, trying to erase evidence of the previous night's antics while nursing murderous hangovers.

Zenon and Shien watched a few soldiers of the revolution hurry past with a couple of bright orange traffic cones.

Shien's closed-eyed look plainly said _Do we really want to know?_

And Zenon's shrug was equally eloquent. _I don't think so. It might bring up even more awkward questions. Like where in this world did they find *traffic cones* of all things?_

Ahead of them, the group carrying the traffic cones broke out into frantic excuses. They had just encountered Homura coming the other way. Zenon and Shien heard a familiar and very amused voice asking just where they had found the traffic cones. 

Only it was not the coolly amused tone that Homura normally adopted. It was not even sarcastic or sardonic. Hung-over underlings turned to look at their leader as he strode past. He seemed . . . cheerful.

"Good morning, Homura."

"Yo."

"Shien, Zenon."

"I didn't see you last night," Zenon remarked.

"I left early as I had something to see to. You weren't bored, were you?"

"No. Definitely not," Zenon said quickly--a little *too* quickly.

"A good time was had by all then." Homura did not seem to notice how Zenon and Shien were steadfastly not-looking-at-each.

Shien watched Homura as he continued down the hallway. "Did you notice something . . . odd about Homura?"

Zenon crushed his cigarette under his heel and squinted at the Toushin Taishi's back. "What's so odd about him?"

"He smelled of peppermint . . ."

* * * * * * * * * *

When Gojyo woke up, he realised that 1) he was having the mother of all hangovers and 2) there was a heavy weight on his chest. His heart gave a leap as the events of the previous night came back in a rush. Maybe his wish had came true . . . Maybe they had--

But he would have expected it to be a lot more *memorable* for starters . . .

Cautiously, ever so cautiously, he opened one eye. And very nearly yelled his head off.

The reindeer that had laid its antlered head on his chest barely even stirred. It was also drooling on his shirt and smelt strongly of eggnog in addition to the thick musky scent of reindeer fur. All thoughts of what he had been planning all week long went out of the window because there was nothing more disheartening than waking up with a reindeer draped over you.

When he had calmed down enough to get out from under the shaggy beast, he realised that there was another reindeer beside the first one. For one moment, he had a horrible thought that someone had spiked the eggnog with something that turned everyone who drank it into reindeer. He wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. He had been *so* close . . .

Then he looked around the room and realised that a whole herd of reindeer had taken up residence in their rented room. Most of them were snoring loudly. One of them had fallen asleep in the now-empty eggnog bowl. And there was another one with a lampshade perched crookedly on one antler . . .

Gojyo spotted Jipu sleeping atop on reindeer's back and Hakkai just a little way beyond them. He sighed with relief. Yes, Hakkai would know what to do. Hakkai was the rational one here . . .

"Hakkai? Hakkai, you've got to wake up . . . There's a herd of reindeer sleeping in our room . . ."

"Eh?" Hakkai woke up gradually and managed to dredge up a smile. "Gojyo . . ."

"Hakkai--what are we going to do with all this reindeer?"

"Reindeer?" Hakkai looked up at Gojyo quizzically. Then he looked down and finally around the spot he was lying. He fumbled for his monocle but a clearer look at the their uninvited guests did not make the situation any more understandable.

"Reindeer." Gojyo pulled at his shirt, now stained with reindeer spit. "And they drank all the eggnog and the last of the wine too, the hairy bastards."

"Oh dear . . . The landlord won't like this at all," Hakkai said, wading through the mass of reindeer to throw open a window. The smell of damp reindeer was getting a little too much. And he had been expecting to wake up to much more pleasant things too. Hakkai could have ki-blasted the room and the reindeer. He had even put up the mistletoe in a discreet corner for crying out loud!

But it was not in character for him to scream in frustration just because all the effort that had gone into making Extra Special Eggnog had gone down the drain--or rather, down the gullets of a herd of ungrateful reindeer. Or that he had actually got drunk enough to pass out and wake up with a hangover. It should have been impossible--

"And where did Sanzo and Goku go to?" Gojyo asked, picking the lampshade off the dozing reindeer.

"I don't know . . ." Hakkai's look of bewilderment had not faded as he turned back to the room. "And there's a wrecked sleigh outside . . ."

Just then, the door to the room slammed open to reveal Sanzo, fully dressed and nursing a morning cigarette.

The priest stalked past them without a word, the morning paper tucked under one arm.

"Good morning, Sanzo," Hakkai ventured. He received a growl in reply as the priest stepped over several dozing forms on the floor. Sanzo did not seem surprised to see the reindeer at all . . .

"Sanzo? These reindeer--"

Sanzo glared at them. "Shut up, the both of you."

"Ah, I'll get the coffee brewed and breakfast started then . . ."

They all had to move down to the kitchen after that, because Gojyo and Sanzo declared that they were most certainly *not* having breakfast with a bunch of stinking reindeer.

Gojyo did not get the chance to ask any questions at the table. Because Sanzo had brought his revolver down and was pointedly loading it in front of him.

Goku staggered down just as Sanzo got started on the newspaper. "Mou, Sanzo, where were you yesterday--"

__

Thwap!

No one had even seen Sanzo's hand *move* to his sleeve to get the fan. "Shut up."

"I mean it was just one little k--"

__

Thwap, thwap, thwappity, thwappity thwap thwap thwap!

Sanzo's patented glare promised all sorts of inventive ways to die if Goku even mentioned about what happened last night again.

"Ow . . . Oi, what pissed him off this morning?"

"Huh?" Gojyo mumbled. He had been having a bout of self-indulgent pity. His head hurt and he had not made any headway with Hakkai. And he had not got laid either, but that was entirely secondary. _Yes, entirely, one hundred percent secondary_ he lectured the region between his legs.

"I was talking to you, hung-over kappa!"

"Gluttonous ape!" Gojyo retorted out of habit. "You ate all the pudding and ice-cream too. I don't know where you put it away, stupid ape, because none of it ever went into making any grey matter."

"Hah! And who got so drunk that he passed out before midnight last night, eh? Maybe you're getting old!"

"Why you--"

The sound of Hakkai setting the plates and utensils none too gently on the table froze them in their tracks. Even Sanzo looked up.

"Uh, you think Hakkai might be a little out of sorts this morning?" Goku whispered to Gojyo as Hakkai stalked back into the kitchen. A metallic _clank_ indicated that a frying pan had been practically slammed onto the stove.

The thought of Hakkai being a little out of sorts was a lot more frightening than Sanzo being out of sorts because being out of sorts was a ground state that Sanzo had never actually *left*. Hakkai being out of sorts was akin to being savaged by a formerly kind and docile seeing-eye dog.

"It's probably none of your business, _saru_," Sanzo said, going back to his paper.

"Ah, yeah . . ." Goku was not really stupid, after all. "Do you smell something?"

"Smell what?" Gojyo asked, barely even looking up from the self-contained ball of misery he was building up around him.

Goku sniffed again. "Ne, Sanzo . . . Why do you smell like peppermint candy canes?"

* * * * * * * * * *

*huff* *whuff* (Oh crap--I feel like the damn sleigh ran over my head . . .)

"Kyu . . ." (I don't think I can move . . .)

*wheeze* *snort* (Oh no . . . I knew I shouldn't have had that last beer. It wrecks havoc on my digestive system.)

*whuff* *snort* (Light-weight. You were legless long before I got through the eggnog.)

*snort* (Shut up, nancy boy.)

*snort* *humph* (Nancy boy yourself. What kind of poncy name is "Prancer" anyway?)

*huff* *snort* (That's enough lads . . . We need to get a move on.)

"Kyu . . ." (You mean there is no magical method to get around the world in one day?)

*whuff* ('Fraid not. The magic, it only works on the night of Christmas Eve.)

"Pyuu . . . Kyuuuuuu." (Bugger . . . See you then. Now I have to fix this damn mess . . .)

* * * * * * * * * *

It was not a very cheery morning even though Hakkai brought out presents for everyone. Jipu was too hung-over to transform into his jeep form, which meant that they were stranded there for the day. Which meant that Sanzo was not happy. Not happier than usual as he smoked endlessly and brooded.

The landlord had a fit over the reindeer, but Sanzo's credit card shut him up.

It was also a day of mysterious letters and packages. Jipu had fetched a red envelope from the doorstep for Hakkai. And then another one for Gojyo arrived shortly after. Whatever the contents were, the two of them did not deign to share it with either Sanzo or Goku. 

Then a box appeared outside their room that afternoon. It was all wrapped nicely in sliver paper and tied with satin ribbons. And it was addressed to Sanzo.

"Open it!" Goku demanded, more out of boredom than anything else.

"It's none of your business," Sanzo snapped half-heartedly. But he did open the box. The other three craned their necks curiously for a look.

It was a peppermint candy cane. There was a red ribbon tied around it.

Sanzo turned a most interesting shade of red and looked like he would like to shoot someone--*anyone*. But they could not get any information of him on the matter of the mysterious candy cane or the sender. And when Goku had felt like a snack and went looking for the peppermint confection, it was nowhere to be found.

However, Sanzo reverted back to his usual self--that is, ignoring everything instead of brooding at the world at large--and stopped thwaping Goku with his fan for merely opening his mouth for the rest of the day.

Smiling all the while, Hakkai made an effort and cooked dinner. Gojyo avoided the kitchen.

* * * * * * * * * *

"I don't get it . . . But I'm sure *something* is up with Homura."

"He just looks at that candy cane and wears that particular smile all the time."

"And he just left again too. I checked his room."

"Oh, but I think he left us something . . ."

"What's that you've got there, Shien? A cheque?"

"We've each got a holiday bonus . . ."

* * * * * * * * * *

Jipu nursed his poor aching claws. It had not been *hard* to learn to read and write the human language. Any sentient creature could have done it. Oh no, it was the damn pen that always gave him trouble. Why couldn't they have a typewriter or a computer keyboard installed around here?

But his mission was halfway to completion. He hoped that it would be worth all those hours spent practising printing block letters in Arial . . .

* * * * * * * * * *

After dinner, Gojyo slipped out and headed for the roof, the red envelope clutched in one fist that was stuffed into his jacket pocket. He was not the only one who had decided to come up for air.

Hakkai was sitting on the parapet wall with Jipu perched on one shoulder.

"I got your note," Gojyo began and then he saw that Hakkai held a similar envelope. They were not stupid, no matter how hopeful they were.

"You didn't write that note?" they asked simultaneously. "Then who--"

Mutual embarrassment was an awful thing to witness.

"Er . . . I'll just--"

"Kyuuu!" Jipu squeaked determinedly and tugged at Gojyo's jacket until he was forced to sit down or get his clothing torn.

"Kyuu!" 

"Owww! Let go!" Gojyo had to move closer otherwise Jipu would had taken his ear off.

"Kyu." Jipu seemed happy with that and flew off after nipping Hakkai's ear encouragingly.

"Well, this is nice," Hakkai said in the bright, brittle voice of someone who was a lot more tense than he let on.

"Um. Yeah." Gojyo could have sworn that he had rehearsed this a thousand times in his head, but his mind was a blank slate. All he could think about was the rather direct message in that mystery note. While it had been honest to the point of rudeness, it did sum things up very succinctly . . . He had a moment's wild fancy that it might have been the dragon, but that was far too ridiculous. This whole situation was ridiculous. And he was fed up with all the planning and sneaking around. 

Gojyo took a deep breath and was surprised to find that his declaration came out a lot blunter than expected. "Hakkai--if you haven't noticed it for the past three years and counting, I love you, you idiot and I want to jump your bones in the worst way--"

"Gojyo," Hakkai said gravely, "shut up and kiss me."

* * * * * * * * * *

"Kyuuuu!" (Well, *finally*! The end.)

* * * * * * * * * *


End file.
